Tempting Job Application Responses

As someone who has had more jobs than I can remember, I thought I would share some answers that I have been tempted to give to some questions I have seen on job applications.

Name: Mine, Yours

Date: My wife won’t let me,

Address: Gettysburg, “My Fellow Americans”, “Hello”

Age: Constantly since birth

Height: From Here to There

Weight: For how long?

Marital Status: Shaky

Awards: Presentations, annual, business, first prize in one-person, three legged race.

Certificates: Birth, death

Personal Information: Then, why are you asking? “I was born upstairs over a vacant lot. My mother had to work the night shift - - - - at a day care center. Since my mother was working two jobs, the neighbor lady gave birth to me. My dad didn’t seem to mind.”

Accomplishments: some, measurable, I can do this.

Goals: field, sales, monthly, quarterly, semi-annual (that’s a trucker’s year), annual

Employment: Not recently. That’s why I’m applying for this crummy job.

Education: Underwater mess-kit repair; Do-it-yourself Demolition (I was the first person in my neighborhood to be the last person in my neighborhood).